Sunday, May 30, 2010

Caveat Lectores: Devil’s Neck Memorial Day Report on Oval Track Racing

Let’s lighten things up a little with a lap by lap report of the race(s) E/S and the Lector attended after cleaning up the massive oil spill last weekend. You will recall our trip the DNCC to eradicate the environmental disaster caused when Alliburton attacked a large bottle of Hawaiian Tropic Suntan Oil causing an oil slick only slightly smaller than the Exxon Valdese spill. E/S cut down a Cypress tree to use Spanish moss to successfully soak up the oil slick. We burned off the moss and killed all the mosquitoes at DNCC.

After the EPA and the Devil’s Neck Fire Brigade left the scene, we went to the Citrus County Raceway to enjoy seeing our friends Ferd and Eunice Strychnine race their matching color coordinated open wheel racers on a quarter mile asphalt track.

This was a new adventure for me because previously I had only ventured into the world of road racing where the cars turn left and right, speed up and slow down and hardly ever wreck. I will share the reports on racing with JBADER Racing/BG and Associates/Carnes Law Firm ORW/WFO SCCA/ITB BMW 2002 Racing Team on another occasion. As you may not know, the Lector was the sponsor, team captain, crew chief and spiritual leader of the JBADER Racing/ BG and Associates/ BG and Associates/ Carnes Law Firm ORW/WFO SCCA/ITB BMW 2002 Racing Team. More about my incredible contribution to racing history on another day.

In a quarter-mile oval track race, the cars go fast, turn left and do not really slow down unless they crash. Ferd and Eunice’s race cars only have brakes on one wheel. Since there are no fenders on open wheel cars, there are no fender bender minor crashes. He does not know if the car will even turn to the right.

Even without the crew chief help of this writer, Ferd and Eunice managed to finish all their races without incident. It really was exciting. I heard the Eunice is planning on an IRL career when Danika Patrick finally gives up IRL to go to NASCAR full time. Eunice is such a racer diva; there is not room for two of them on the track.

Ferd Strychnine is a retired dingle berry farmer from Port Tampa who now has a million dollar fortune made from selling his unusual product to snow birds on their annual migration south to Miami Beach. Unfortunately, he started his business with two million. He now restores antique go carts and sells them for fantastic sums or at least tries to sell them. So much for the second million.

All in all, oval track racing is exciting. Here is the lap by lap report on what we saw and heard. Vroooom, vrooom, vroom. Accelerate until you see god, slow down and turn left. Accelerate, slow down and turn left. Accelerate, slow down and turn left. Accelerate, slow down and turn left. And so forth. Break something and go home. Remember the old race track saying (I did not make this up)… "If it has tits or gears, it will give you trouble."

Ferd and Eunice were nice enough to put E/S and I on their crew list so we could get into the pits to spend time with them before the race without paying.

Unfortunately, he did not know that pit passes cost $25.00 each. General admission to the race was $10.00. BOHICA. Welcome to racing on the inside track. It cost me $500.00 per race to work as the crew chief for the JBADER Racing/ BG and Associates/ Carnes Law Firm ORW/WFO SCCA/ITB BMW 2002 Racing Team.

And oh yes, Have a nice Day?


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