Saturday, June 26, 2010

Caveat Lectores’ Other Idea about the Government Funding Crisis

OK, so last week's idea about raising taxes to cover the cost of government services was not a big seller. I have more great ideas.

Stop providing so much unneeded service: Most government services are expensive and not really necessary. If the tea baggers and right wing nuts want to limit government to colonial times, fine. Let’s do it and really save some coin of the realm.

After 37 years involvement with the fire/rescue service, I claim expert status. I will confine my comments to fire/rescue, but my ideas have value in every segment of wasteful government spending. Let me tell you there is some real money to save with revolutionary retro thinking about the redundant, superfluous, unneeded and unnecessary services provided by greedy firefighters, and there is a basis for this in history.

• Disband the paid fire departments altogether and let “real men” do it for free just like the old days the tea baggers crave to recreate. Washington and Jefferson (head bowed, hand over heart in reverence) were volunteer firefighters back in the day in Alexandria, Virginia at Fire House #1. Less than 300,000 of the 800,000 firefighters in this country are paid anything at all. Guys like to hang around a fire house. Just leave the doors open and watch the “vols” show up when the fire alarm sounds.

• In densely populated urban areas where volunteer firefighters may not be reliable, let the insurance companies pay for the firefighters to put out the fires like the good ol’ days. Most buildings are insured. If the owners and insurance companies care that much about their buildings they can hire their own firefighters.

Little known secret factoid #1: All fires are fuel limited. Almost all fires will eventually burn themselves out without causing a conflagration that destroys an entire city. The propaganda put out by the firefighters about catastrophe is just scare tactics. Burning old homes makes for jobs to build new homes. As long as it is not your house, who cares?

Little known secret factoid #2: Most people who die in fires are old or sick already and were going to do soon anyway. An early demise saves on taxes and related healthcare costs. They usually do not really burn to death but are asphyxiated by the smoke. If a building burns down with them in it, think of it as free cremation. A burning house makes for one extraordinary and scintillating funeral pyre. Have you ever seen the way people congregate when a building burns in their neighborhood? Charge admission and turn it into a profit making operation. Lots of ways to save money here. As long as it is not you or your family, who cares?

Little known secret factoid #3: Emergency medical service consumes most fire/rescue resources but is a scam to keep firefighters on the payroll that provides no real service to society. Again, most of the people EMS serves are old, sickly and too poor to provide meaningful value to society. They are going to die anyway. Why do we use up so many tax and insurance dollars trying to save them? Death is inevitable for us all. Some just die sooner than others. Why do we insist on prolonging their suffering at the expense of the taxpayers? Our forefathers never heard of resuscitating a heart attack victim. There were no automobile accidents in the 18th century when our forefathers created this wonderful country. Let’s go back to a time when everything was wonderful. If you are in an accident that could kill you, isn’t it God’s will? The first ambulance services were often operated by the funeral parlors. Let’s cut out the middle man and recreate the old days. As long as it is not you or your family, who cares?

Caveat Lectores’ revolutionary ideas can apply to most government service. The amount of money to be saved is unfathomable. As long as it is not you or your family, who cares?

OMG!! My tongue is stuck in my cheek. Maybe I should call 911.

And Oh yes, Have a nice Day?

Caveat Lectores by Jeff Carnes
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